I am struggling!
yes I am struggling .. and .. big time!
I love my daughters .. But I don’t have time for them ..
I love Montessori .. But I am not able to give that 100%
I feel lost ..broke .. and see myself in this endless viscous cycle of the routine!
Is the brain finally screaming loud .. “I am done .. You just made me mad through the pandemic .. with your insane stretching yourself beyond your limits?”
I don’t know ..
This struggle between the will power .. the sanity .. the exhaustion .. the love .. oh yes .. and they bullying ..
I just feel so DOWN! like never ever ..
I do feel empowered to acknowledge my feelings and even others ..
But I do feel helpless to yearn for a break! A break! A break from the emotional stress .. from family .. from friends .. from the community.
The only ray of sunshine .. is the children’s unending love they shower however hard it is .. yet .. they are too little too..
I helplessly watch them being bullied(sometimes even by me) .. fight amongst themselves .. yet .. beautifully stand up for each other and the adults .. They give me hope .. It brought me tears as I right this .. maybe of regret .. maybe of hope .. maybe of relief ..
Sometimes I wish people just listened .. instead of passing their own comments or worse even judging ..
I think of the little child .. that daughter .. that wife .. that daughter-in-law I was .. am .. my brother and then the littles …
Sometimes I ponder what I want? what help I seek? and then it comes down to the fear of being judged and reprimanded for voicing out and all the feelings simply bottled down deeper into the heart ..
But .. will they stay put? will the burst? will they dissolve into calmness after some time? I wonder?!
P.S Mental health is most important too .. We can’t give the best with a wounded heart! Sometimes .. nothing!
This is an attempt to reveal my heart ..